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Wednesday, 6 November 2013

A festive event for awful people?

Helensburgh is to host Scotland’s first ever festive event exclusively for obnoxious people.

The Helensburgh & Lomond Scottish Conservative & Unionist Association Christmas Dinner at the Commodore Hotel on 7th December has, as its principal attraction, the oratorical skills and the unreconstituted Thatcherism of Michael Forsyth. Fans of the unreasonable voice of Toryism – who famously argued that introducing the Poll Tax early to Scotland would demonstrate its benefits for the rest of the UK, and sensibly urged Mrs Thatcher not to resign – are being advised to book early for the dubious privilege of listening to his words of wisdom, “in view of the anticipated high level of demand for tickets”.

Forsyth, a hate figure during his time as Secretary of State for Scotland in the 1990s, has partially managed to rehabilitate himself on the back of the Better Together campaign. However, the organisers of the dinner are very proud to have created Scotland’s very first social event exclusively for hideously pretentious individuals. “There can’t be a lot of admirers of Michael around these days” said a spokesperson for the local Tories, “but we’re going to get them all under one roof for this fabulous Christmas knees-up. Or at least on the same sofa. Ian Lang’s definitely going to be there and if George Osborne isn’t then it will only be because he’s putting together yet another policy to demonise benefit-dependent scum.”

The spokesperson was keen to play up the uniqueness of the event: “This isn’t yet another tedious Conservative dinner. We wanted to do something very different, which is why we have invited Michael here. Hopefully having him as a guest speaker will prove very attractive to wealthy types with an over-developed belief in their own importance and a pitiful sense of entitlement. But no gay people, obviously.”

“I mean, we’re talking about the kind of Tories who would in all likelihood be sneered at as hopelessly pathetic at a UKIP conference. You know, what I call real Tories – not the soft woolly liberals like Cameron and Goldie.”

Asked whether there would be a dress code for the dinner, the spokesperson confirmed that informal dress was an option, but ideally gentlemen should aspire to follow the guidance in the latest edition of The Chap magazine, which would “reinforce our reputation as out-of-touch, antiquated and plain irritating.” However, “I love Thatcher” t-shirts were also confirmed to be acceptable. One thing that is insisted on is hat-wearing, which will make guests “immediately distinguishable from the other riff-raff in the hotel and also quite cool”. The hat of choice is the deerstalker, although some exceptions are allowed. William Hague is permitted to wear a baseball cap while David Cameron, if present, will sit in the corner sporting a large pointy hat featuring a big D.

It has also been announced that there will be additional entertainment provided. Norman Tebbitt will star as Father Christmas and, after distributing signed editions of his biography Upwardly Mobile to paying guests, will invite young Hooray Henries to have their photographs taken with him for posterity before he makes an early exit to distribute bicycles at the local Jobcentre. Also for the children will be an inflatable mini-theme park in which they can learn to kick poor people and asylum seekers while laughing hysterically.

Asked whether Michael Forsyth’s new “friends” from Better Together would be welcome, the spokesperson retorted sharply, “God no! It’s a Christmas dinner, not a hug a Lib Dem festival!” He also revealed that there will be stalls selling Conservative Party memorabilia (“we don’t know what yet, but we’ll definitely be charging at least ten grand per item”) and a film sponsored by an unnamed oil company proving that global warming is simply a moralistic fable fabricated by the Lib Dems, Labour and the Green Party.



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