Bill Walker performs amazing u-turn on “homophobic remarks”

SNP MSP for Dunfermline Bill Walker, who has been widely dismissed as a bigoted homophobe by the national media and parliamentary colleagues alike, made an astonishing u-turn after unexpectedly attending a gay party in Edinburgh last Friday.

Walker, who has in the past described gay marriage as “just not right” and a “contradiction in terms”, had an amazing change of heart after he mistakenly entered one of the city’s gay clubs while on his way to deliver a speech at the Brian Souter Appreciation Society’s annual dinner. Mr Walker was witnessed talking “in a relaxed and animated fashion” to several gay people partying at the venue and was clearly enjoying himself. “He was definitely in a very gay mood”, said club regular John Green. “He really hit it off with some of my friends. He’s a totally fun guy, not at all like you’d expect.”

Walker told reporters that his lifelong opposition to LGBT rights were reversed after meeting gay people in person. “You know, they’re really quite good people” he admitted. “There’s one guy, Andy, just the most cultured person I’ve ever met. I really can’t believe I could ever have thought that being gay was wrong. You come to places like this and you can see it’s so ...right. Some of these people are just made for each other, you can see they’re in love and for me that’s just fantastic. And all the people I met tonight are just so easy to get on with, not at all like my other friends.”

The MSP made it clear he was very affected by Laura and Debbie, who are soon to commit to each other in a civil partnership. “They’re such beautiful people” he explained, holding back the tears. “Allowing them to get married just like everyone else is the very least they deserve. I really am horrified that for so long I just didn’t appreciate what LGBT people have. I want to put it on the record that I am sorry for any hurt my attitudes and homophobic comments have caused.”

He said he had spoken to one man who had been the victim of homophobic attacks in the past. “That’s just terrible” said Walker. “And to think that I did nothing to help. I feel dreadful.” Walker was also spotted talking for some time with theology student Dan, who wants to be a Church of Scotland minister, and his husband Gary. “Look, these guys know far more about the Bible than I do and they showed me how wrong I’ve been and that Christians shouldn’t be persecuting minority groups. It makes sense really. I can’t believe I’ve been so stupid.”

Walker was keen as usual to talk about politics: “I really don’t know why Alex Salmond didn’t bring me into line earlier” he said. “I really was talking total rubbish! That Nazi insult was a step too far. If I’d said something silly about Scottish independence then I’d have been absolutely pilloried and hung out to dry by the SNP leadership. But there I was, being judgemental and bigoted towards gay people and they didn’t seem to care. I don't understand it.”

Walker admitted that he felt “very strange” when he initially discovered he was surrounded by people of an LGBT persuasion. “But you know, they were very welcoming”, he was keen to point out. “They made me feel completely relaxed, and that there was nothing wrong with me being different. You know, I wish everyone was this tolerant!”

Strangely, Walker has not been contactable since last night, when he was seen leaving another gay club in the company of a young musician called Mark. His whereabouts remain unknown. Walker’s office have refused to comment while Mark’s agent has confirmed that the musician is “available for weddings, bar mitzvahs and those parties in Greek restaurants where you smash loads of plates.”

Unfortunately this story is a product of my own imagination and any similarities with real events are extremely remote. However, if Bill Walker would ever like to visit one of the many gay clubs in either Glasgow or Edinburgh, I would be more than happy for him to be my guest.